One question led to another and suddenly a conversation about learning how to connect with people turned into healing tears and therapeutic sobbing. A couple of days ago, I sat with a good friend to discuss and study a little bit about the bible. What I didn’t know though, was that this conversation would unlock painful things from my past that I have been carrying all along. Those who have been reading my writings for a while know that I grew up playing basketball in a small city in Colombia, and you know that basketball has played a vital role in helping me develop as a human being. If you haven’t been reading my writings… well, now you know. The thing about basketball is that I would’ve never dreamed about coming to the States if it wasn’t for my encounter with that orange ball. Learning a different language would’ve never been considered, and the amazing people surrounding me would only be another set of strangers living on this globe. Put it this way, if could make a list of my superheroes, basketball would make the top 5. However, after more than 12 years I’ve found that the very thing I love is the same thing that has opened doors to carry unnecessary pain within me.
When the time came for me to enter 4th grade, my parents decided to transfer me to a different school. My prior school didn’t have any sports, and while it was a good small community of teachers and students, I must admit that the academics weren’t the best. My love for the sport was already evident and after a couple of conversations with my club coach, we all agreed on “San Luis Rey” (name of the school) being the best fit for me. At the time, the school coach was great friends with my club coach, so this assured everyone that whatever he installed on me would align with the vision we all had for my career. Unfortunately, their friendship ended weeks into my enrollment in the school, and what seemed like a great deal for every party, turned into a nightmare where the one being spooked was me. Up until today, I don’t understand why the school coach let out his anger on me. All I know is that the freedom I once felt playing the sport never came back. Basketball went from being something I enjoyed to being something I felt obligated to do. Not because I didn’t like it, but because I felt like I had something to prove. I had always been the shortest on the team (by a lot) but no one had ever pointed that out, so it wasn’t even in my mind! I remember going to the rim and always finding out a way to get passed the big dudes and scoring on them. Nonetheless, on the second day of practice at the school we were playing against the high school kids, and as if it happened yesterday, I remember the coach stopping the game after I had just scored a beautiful bucket on one of the best players on the high school team. The dude said, “Pena short guys like you can’t drive to the rim through the middle… what you did was luck, but next time you won’t be as lucky.” The “you can’t drive through the middle” turned into you can’t drive to the rim at all. And you can’t drive to the rim turned into we only need you to bring the ball past half court and then your job is to give it to… (I’ll use a made-up name so we keep the guy’s identity private) “Pedro”. How is it that in my club I was being moved up to play with kids 4 and 5 years older than me, but for the school coach I was only useful to bring the ball past half court and give it to Pedro? Sadly this coach really got in my head, turning every practice and every game into a mind battle where I needed to prove to myself and others that I was the player we once knew. On top of that, nitty-five percent of my identity was placed on the sport, so throughout the years I developed this feeling of unworthiness. Everyone around me asked “What happened to the player you used to be?” or they would say “I wish I could see the Juan of a couple of years ago.” It made me feel as if unless I gained back who I used to be, I would never hold the same value for people again. In my roller-coaster of emotions, I translated these feelings into hard work and disciplined… habits that developed from the right motive can be beneficial for our lives. The only problem is that my motive was not a positive one, I didn’t become a disciplined guy because I wanted to do better, I became disciplined because I felt that unless I produced results, I wouldn’t be valuable. About 12 years have passed since the first moment I placed my feet on the basketball courts of “San Luis Rey” but for my heart and mind it is as if today is Tuesday afternoon, and we are doing drills at the outside school courts with that coach. How do I know? well, because every time someone wants to love me for who I am, I don’t let them. I still feel like I am not enough, I feel like the best version of me is somewhere different and not here with me, and even though discipline and hard work are great qualities to have, these same qualities have led me to build bigger walls than the one Mr. Trump built at the border. Many people have entered my path in the last few years, and it hurts me to say that most of them I’ve pushed out because I am too busy chasing someone who in reality, already lives within me. I know this is countercultural, but we must be careful when we put ourselves in the hustle and grinding mode because many times this is a reflection of something we are running from. For me, it was a coach who instead of installing skills so I could further my career, installed insecurities, that I later translated into feelings of unworthiness. What is it for you my friend? what are you running from? What are the things said to you or the actions done against you that have stopped you from feeling deeply? I had never talked about this up until the conversation with my friend, and I can tell you that while I still have feelings of unworthiness something changed within me. I am in the process of understanding that I am lovable for who I am and for who I am trying to be. It is great to have a vision of the person we aspire to become, but these two things we must remember in the process. The gap between who we are and who we want to be is called life… let’s make sure we don’t miss it. And, On the path to achieving our goals, we can fill up our car with 2 types of fuels, negative feelings, or positive feelings… the latter will sustain us and take us further. I am not near the person I want to be, but I’ve set my mind to ask God to reveal to me anything that was done to me in my past that fills up my tank with negative emotions and is leading me to miss out on the greatest gift given to us… life.
My friend! from the bottom of my heart thank you so much for allowing me to be part of your journey. I hope that in me you find someone you can relate to; someone you can turn to. That’s why if you ever want to talk with me just shoot me an email (you will find it on the newsletter page). You are loved, you are valuable, you matter! I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Jesus and if you don’t know him or don’t have a relationship with him, please get to know him!! He will revolutionize your life.