WHAT IF I AM NOT ENOUGH

In complete transparency, one of my biggest struggles is my judgmental character. Somehow as the years have passed, I’ve developed a way of setting expectations for the people who surround me. And, when these expectations aren’t met… well my judgy character enters the scene and steals the show. This has led me to isolate myself! In my mind “They are just not good enough.” “They aren’t headed to where I’m headed” or, “Time will bring the ones that are meant to be.” I’ve kept this way of thinking for about 2 years now. Though I can surely make a list of how this isolation has played an essential part in my personal development (for the positive) there is this one thing that struck me like a punch in my stomach a couple weeks ago while I was writing in my journal.  What if I am the one who is not enough?

the way we treat people reflects what’s going on inside ourselves. and, to explain it better, not too long ago I heard this reflection that will set us on the right track. Every day at 1:00 pm a gentleman named Mark would come inside this restaurant to have lunch. On his way to open the restaurant’s door, he always encountered John, a home-deprived person standing a few feet away from the entrance. As accustomed, Mark ordered a piece of apple pie to go, and then, asked for the check. However, this time, as he was coming out of the restaurant, he thought… I have a couple of things at home that this guy could put to better use than me. So, once Mark got done with work and arrived home, he took out a basket, went through his fridge and wardrobe, and filled the basket with stuff. A pair of worn-out shoes, half a gallon of milk that had expired days ago, some left-over pizza from last week’s party with the guys, and three shirts with a couple of wholes in them that in Mark’s mind, would be a blessing to the guy at the entrance of the restaurant. The next day, as a rooster crowing before sunrise, Mark showed up at 1:00 pm at the restaurant, but this time carrying a basket filled with “goods”. On his way to the door, Mark looked at John and said “Here man, I brought you this basket… I hope you make good use of it”. With a smile on his face and words that spelled thank you, John accepted the basket. The day went on as usual, Mark got his apple pie and left for work, and John waited for the clock to hit 4:00 pm and headed to the shelter where he was spending the night. On his way to the shelter though, John saw a beautiful flower field packed with the most precious flowers he had ever seen. With gentleness, he removed the items from the basket and disposed them in the trash. Then, John cleaned the basket and picked the flowers he most liked. Some were orange, others were yellow, others red, and he even found some purple ones. Once he was done, he spent the night at a park since the doors of the shelter had already closed. The next day, as Mark opened the restaurant’s door, John handed him the basket filled with flowers. Probably as confused as Joseph when the angel showed up to tell him that the virgin Mary was pregnant, Mark asked, I gave you things that weren’t in the best condition, and the milk was even expired… why are you giving me flowers? To what John replied, because we give what’s in our heart…

it is this same reflection that led me to realize that the reason why I think people are not enough, is because I think I am not enough. As I write this post, I can vividly see all the times walking in a room trying to make sure that I portrayed the correct image. If it was a group of girls I was being introduced to, I would try to act and say things that weren’t necessarily me, just to show them the person I thought they would like. Same with a group of guys and so on. Every time I was in the company of another human being, my mind would always be trying to figure out ways to be the person I thought others would like. The result? Everything except me! None of those masks that I would put on were me. I’ve realized that I always thought being me wasn’t enough, and this led me to believe that others weren’t enough either. See, in my mind I thought people expected me to be perfect, so when it was time for me to hand them my love, I would hand them a love with expectations. A love that wasn’t love but more of a trap to find someone’s flaws. Because my heart is filled with insecurities about who I am, others can’t be humans around me.

Now, I know this blog post might not be for everyone, but if you my friend, are a person who finds yourself judging, comparing, and maybe with a void in your heart. I want to invite you to be bold, look at yourself in the mirror, and consider the fact that maybe the problem is not those around you, but yourself. Is it easy? No, it is hard to look at yourself in the mirror and accept that you think you are not enough, it is hard to be vulnerable and remove all the disguises we have put on. It hurts me to accept that the problem is within me, it hurts me to realize that I’ve missed out on relationships, and it hurts to know that all this time I thought I was being John, when who I was being is Mark. I haven’t been able to stop asking myself why. Why do I think I am not enough? Why couldn’t I say what I thought? Why did I have to make the fish bigger when I told the story… all this questioning is making me feel even less. And I promise you that if you choose to examine your heart, you will end up asking the same questions. But the goal here is not to beat ourselves down, the goal here is to learn how to freely love. Since we all agree on the fact that we can’t give what we don’t have, I’ve realized that the only way for me to give love is if I first feel loved. So, I’ve been wrestling with God a lot, and asking him why I don’t feel loved. I believe he has put this thought in my heart, and I want to share it with you today. “The reason why you don’t feel loved by me is because you are too busy trying to feel loved by others.” My friend, let’s press the brake of our fast-paced life, and take some time to acknowledge that God loves us. And just FWY (for your information) I have no idea how long it could take, and I am not going to tell you that I fully feel loved by him. But I’ve set my mind to every day meet with him and ask him to show me what he sees in me. Here is what he has given so far… “For I so loved you, Juan, that I gave my only son, so you don’t perish, but have eternal life.” -John 3:16.

My friend! thanks for allowing me to be a part of your journey. If you are feeling alone, if you are struggling, or even if you just feel like having someone to talk to… shoot me an email! (You can find it on the Newsletter page). Keep pushing! Because someone in heaven sees you and smiles every time he hears your voice. I believe as young people we are setting the foundation for how our lives will look like in the future, and I’ve found that a relationship with God is the way to a purposeful one. There is a guy named Jesus changing lives left and right… Get to know him!! he will revolutionize your life.